Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots
by Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant
Summary: Sauron has gained the One Ring. So, what does he do first? Why, he sets up tours for Mordor, of course! What is better for the newly oppressed citizens of Middle-earth than to enjoy a vacation in lovely Mordor? And it's all managed by those talented and capable orcs. Recently marked as in progress. On haitus, until I feel motivated to continue.
1. Mordor

**I had some issues editing and submitting this one, but I've finally got it figured out. Anyway, this is different from what I usually do and will usually do, since it is actually humor and has no form of angst or tragedy anywhere. It was still fun to write... perhaps too fun. I hope you enjoy, and please review! **

**Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Lord of the Rings. That belongs to Tolkien, who is probably rolling over in his grave for what I did to his freaky Mordor. :)**

**Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots: Mordor**

Life can be pretty boring, right? Maybe you feel you just need to get away from it all? Perhaps you need… a vacation? Well, you've come to the right place! We specialize in vacations to the best place in Middle-earth: Mordor! If you need a place to just put up your feet and relax… or experience the adrenaline pumping, electrifying activity that is being chased by orcs, Mordor is the place to be!

**Location: **Mordor, Middle-earth. Duh.

**Price: **Adults-10,000 gold. Children- 10,000 gold. Seniors- 10,000 gold

**Discounts: **What would Sauron gain from discounts?

**A Bit About the Scenery: **Very picturesque landscape. You will see some lovely rocks, both big and small. This beauteous land is completely devoid of any plant or animal life. We recommend you bring your own water; you aren't likely to find water, and if you do, it certainly won't be good for you. If you're lucky, you might see Gollum sneaking about!

**Attractions: **Oh, there is quite a bit to see! You get to see legions upon legions of orcs! They won't bother any tourists. Well, they might attack and severely injure some of the less wary, but that's all part of the fun, right? You might see some Nazgul in the sky on their dragon things, but only if you're extremely lucky. Also, if you do see them, don't make any sudden movements. They'll spot you anyway. For a bit extra (2,000 extra gold) you can go on a guided tour to see Shelob! (If you're a hobbit, we don't recommend that tour; poor thing was injured by a hobbit, you know). If you're a risk taker, why not participate in an orc hunt? You're the prey, the orcs are the hunters! Oh, and we mustn't forget Mount Doom! That lovely volcano is where the hobbit Frodo Baggins almost destroyed the One Ring! (Good thing he didn't, eh?) Mount Doom really is a must see! It's a very popular historical attraction that teaches us a very important lesson: Don't defy Sauron! We also have a lovely gift shop; perfect if you want to bring gifts back to the family!

**Special Tour: **For an extended price (30,000 gold. This is a special tour, you know) you can take the grand tour: meeting Lord Sauron himself! Oh yes, the Dark Lord, in all his glory, and his ring! This is a very special opportunity that we really think you should take! (Providing you have the money, of course!) If you make it out of his presence alive (we can't guarantee Sauron will be a pleasant host) you'll walk away (Or possibly crawl away in agony. Or float away, if he kills you and you're just a ghost) with an experience you'll never forget! (If you happen to be a hobbit with the name of Baggins, we recommend you do not go on this tour. Sauron isn't particularly fond of hobbits, especially ones with that name. Well, one did try to destroy his ring).

**Other Information: **If you are interested in taking this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, or want to know more, contact the Head Orc at the MordorVacationGetAway office just outside of Mordor. He'll be happy to help you! (Maybe. If he's in a good mood. Is he ever in a good mood! Ignore that last bit!)

We are not responsible for any Orc and/or Nazgul related injuries, traumatizing experiences, mental break downs, sudden disappearances, possible Shelob late-night-snack victims, and Sauron temper tantrums that may (most likely will) occur.


	2. The Old Forest and Rebel Updates

**Another Mordor Tours fic. I have no shame. :D I'm not entirely sure if this is as funny as the other ones, but I hope it still makes someone laugh! This might be the last Mordor Tours one, though. I'm not sure, I might do one on Mirkwood, but I don't know if I want to. Anyways, please read and review! And enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Even if I should live for eternity, even if the laws of the universe are altered, I will never own Lord of the Rings. Master Tolkien will always claim that honour.**

**Edit: I forgot to say, but this will be submitted as a continuation of my Amazing Middle-earth Vacation fic, instead of a story on its own, so it is now marked as in-progress instead of complete. Like I said, I may do more than just the two. **

**Mordor Tours Presents: The Old Forest**

Well, good day, everyone! It's me, Aedh the Maia from Mordor Tours again! (As you can see, my name is no longer confidential) You remember me, right? Of course you do! How could anyone forget cute lil 'ol me? No one, that's who! Anyway, I'm sure you all know why I'm here! Yep, Mordor Tours has another tour to introduce you to again! (Again, the other Maia made _me_ write this up. Not that I don't like talking to you all, I do, but would it _kill_ the others to get off their lazy butts and help me?) But before we get started, I have a list of rebels that have recently been caught, to give all of ya some peace.

Aragorn. He was a tricky one to catch, but we finally cornered him in what used to be Rohan! Gold stars to those Orcs that finally subdued him! (And apologies to the ones who got their heads chopped off by that Ranger)

Gimli. He was alone, skulking about the entrance to Moria. What he was doing, I don't know. Anyways, we got him by yanking him on the beard (His one weakness) and shaving it off! His mind snapped after that.

Lady Galadriel. Ha ha ha! I knew she wouldn't stay free for long! …Wait. Now she's in Mordor. In Mordor. GAH! She freaks me out, and she's here?! She's watching me, I can tell!

Legolas Greenleaf. Ha! Take that, you pretty boy Elf! Your Mary Stuness has finally failed you!

These are all the ones we have captured. They will be executed soon. (Not soon enough for Galadriel and Legolas) Keep in mind, please, that there are still some rebels who run free, and are highly dangerous. Oh, and we (Ahem. This is embarrassing) have a few new escapees…

Thranduil Elvenking. We thought he was dead, but he suddenly popped out of Mirkwood and is now who-knows-where. Probably just throwing parties, being the Party King he is.

Peregrin Took, a.k.a Pippin. He escaped from his cell. And no, I did not help him escape in any way. I don't even like him (A/N: That's a lie…). CoughImighthavehelpedhimcough.

And that's all! We'll keep you good people of Middle-earth informed on the rebels! Well, now that the boring part is over, let's get to the good part! The new tour I will talk about is this: the Old Forest!

**Price: **Adults – 200 silver. Children – 200 silver. Seniors – 200 silver

**Discounts: **Sorry, folks. Lord Sauron charged those prices for a reason, and he's not about to change them. (Unless he personally offers you one)

**Scenery: **Well, it's a forest, so it has trees of course! But not just any trees, oh no! It has trees that can EAT you! No, really it does! I know, exciting, right?! The sky is always blue… at least it would be, if all those trees didn't crowd you in and block the sky from view. (eh, who likes the open sky anyways). The air is stifling and makes you feel like you're closed in. Such an improvement to open spaces, eh? And… well, there isn't much else to say about it, really. It's got rivers and wildlife, I suppose. But who cares about that?! You all came for the attractions, so we'll get to it!

**Attractions: **The trees of course! They are ancient! They can speak! And they hate you! (Yay!) All you have to do is enter the Forest, and they will immediately start closing in, making sure you get lost and can't find your way out! Great for maze lovers! And, for an extra price (100 gold) you can go to the Whithywindle (What a fun name… Whithywindle) and see Old Man Willow! The Whithywindle is said to be the queerest part of the Old Forest, which just makes it more exciting! And Old Man Willow… oh my, he is a treat to see! He will sing a spell that will make you sleepy and, when you fall asleep with your backs against him, he'll wrap you up in his roots (Aww, he wants to give you a hug!) and proceed to crush you! Oh, but don't worry; he'll only crush you a _little_ bit. Really, you shouldn't miss this opportunity; after all, the Hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin once had the pleasure of meeting this special tree! Wouldn't you like to experience what they did? However, I do not recommend setting the tree on fire if he gets, erm, a bit excitable: he will crush you to death, instead of just breaking a few bones (Did I say breaking a few bones? Ah ha ha, I meant… just squeezing you a bit. Yeah), and then you'll regret it. And I can do nothing to prevent him from doing that, so just don't do fire. Don't even _think_ about fire.

**Special Tour (only 1000 gold!): **For the Special Tour price, you will get the grandest adventure of your life: a tour of the Barrow-wights lair! They are always happy to receive victims! (um.. tourists I mean). You can find much wonders in their halls. Treasure is abound! However, for your safety, do not attempt to take any treasure; Barrow-wights know their treasure like the back of their hands (do they have hands?), and will show no mercy to anyone who is responsible for a missing piece(s). If you discard this warning… well, you can't say I didn't warn you. They will also chant the same spell they did toward those Hobbits. …Please be informed that we at Mordor Tours are not quite sure what that spell does, but we're sure it won't cause any permanent damage. (We think).

**Important Information: **Some of you might be wondering if we include Tom Bombadil. We don't. He, and Goldberry, the River's daughter, are missing and presumed dead. We are sorry for any disappointment this may cause, but please understand this was a circumstance beyond our control. Also, I want to apologize to those who were looking forward to joining in an Orc hunt; Orcs do not enter the Old Forest, because the trees will slaughter them on sight. However, if you wish to join or witness an Orc hunt, please refer to our (_my_, I should say. I wrote it all!) pamphlet about tours at Mordor. Many Orc hunts await you there! (Please be aware you will be the prey. I hope you can run fast). And no, you won't see any Nazgul. Those old geezers (uh… I didn't say that) won't go out of Mordor anymore. I think they've gotten lazier in their old age… (Yeep! Gollum is reading this over my shoulder! Bad, Hobbit-mutant thing! Spying is bad! And if you tell the Nazgul or anyone what I said, I will drop kick you into the Cracks of Doom) Ahem, sorry about the delay. If you are wondering how Gollum is still alive after flinging himself in Mount Doom… I don't know. He's indestructible, he is. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, back to Old Forest tour information.

**More Important Things to Know: **We at Mordor Tours are not responsible for any tree-related injuries, trauma that may occur from getting hopelessly lost and/or threated by a tree, any mental issues that may occur from over exposure to the Whithywindle, any temporary or permanent side effects from the Barrow-wights (i.e. confusion, a constant feeling of fear, a sudden lust for Barrow treasure, trust issues, etc), and any agonizing deaths that may occur, especially from the Barrow-wights. Also, as a new precaution, we ask any tourists to sign a form that states we are not responsible for any of the above actions; we don't want to get sued, if someone's stupidity gets them into trouble, you know.

Thank you very much for your continued interest at Mordor Tours! If you wish to sign up for a tour or have any questions, please contact the Head Orc just outside of Mordor! Or, if you'd rather not risk that, please contact Shelob on Sundays; she has less of a temper. (Unless you're a Hobbit or Elf). Also, if any of these do not work for you, I will be happy to help! I am, after all, nicer than anyone at Mordor (if I do say so myself) and I have already answered questions from some who are interested.

On a further, very important note, those who are supporting Mordor Tours already will be pleased to know I have received a raise. Thank you to those who have expressed their concerns for me and have contacted Lord Sauron on my behalf! I will ensure permanent discounts for you guys!


End file.
